Rusty's Blog

It’s another birthday for me today. No real milestone involved. It’s not a prime number, but interestingly enough it is the product of two prime numbers. Oddly enough I kind of like that.

Am I wise? If I am it’s in a way that I’m not sure has helped me as much as one would think wisdom should. Some might suggest that this means that my wisdom is from the school of hard knocks. To tell the truth I don’t think there is a school that knows how to teach wisdom.

The problem with teaching wisdom is that wisdom is gained not through someone else telling you how to do something, but by looking for a solution that works for you that you can generalize. It almost always involves spending time alone thinking about what went wrong and looking for the reasons behind that. Then looking for ways to address those problems.

One thing to remember is that just because one person says something that is wise, doesn’t mean that everyone will agree with them. Reasons for disagreement will vary, but mostly it’s a matter of different perspectives. Occasionally you will find two statements that on the face of them look to be complete opposites, however as they are applied it turns out that they have the same meaning.

The real important things to remember are that wisdom is a form of understanding knowledge and how to apply it, rather than a specific piece of knowledge. Having heard or read something that is wise does not change anything. It is only through using the wisdom that you can end up in a better situation.

More important than being wise is being able to make the wisdom itself into something that can be transfered. Each person looks at the world with a different perspective. Some have had time to think about their experiences in ways that others who may have experienced the same events may not have. So if you reference the same experience, each will give that reference different meanings. In a way this means it should be simple to provide someone with a piece of wisdom. However no matter how well you know someone, there will always be a gulf in understanding of the world between the two of you. You can use common references, but you will still end up with significant differences that will alter what you say when they hear those words. Also there will be the fact that many people do not look to other people for wisdom. Just telling someone what you think will often result in those words falling on deaf ears.

People have to be looking for answers in order to even hear wisdom. Then those answers need to be applicable to what they are doing for them to have the desired influence.

There have been a number of people who’ve noticed that when I first get involved in a situation I’m not very helpful. The fact of the matter is that many times such situations will resolve themselves amicably. But even when they don’t it is vitally important to understand what is going on before getting involved. Yes you can take too long, but even beyond knowing what is wrong, or what the situation is about, is to know why the situation is happening. That is not the same as knowing what’s wrong. In many cases people have their own axes to grind that have nothing to do with the situation. Knowing what those axes are, and why they are being ground can very dramatically change how you want to approach resolving the situation.

It is a continuing process of learning and sharing. And sometimes standing aside and letting someone else make mistakes and not laughing at them as they discover that what they have done is wrong. And being there for them to ask for help when they are ready.

I don’t know that I’m wise. I may express wisdom at times, but whether those around me gain anything from it or not I’m not sure. And I know that I have only a limited amount of benefit. But even that limited amount is something that I’m happy about.

Build a nest egg for a rainy day. For the rain will come, and you will find that what little you have saved may not be as much as you had hoped for. Separately start saving for retirement. A diversified 401k, with investments in stocks and bonds will turn into a lot more value than a passbook savings account. Having some of your portfolio in higher risk stocks may be a good idea, but it should not be the bulk of your investments. If that becomes more than 25% of your 401k, it’s probably time to redistribute your savings.

Every person is different, and so every relationship between two people will have stressful situations. You may feel that you are the only one giving up something in resolving the strain, but you very likely are asking as much of the other person, without knowing it. In almost every case the differences are not worth the drama of tearing up the relationship.

Just because something is not right for you doesn’t mean that it’s not the right solution for someone else. Which isn’t to say that they won’t see it.

I’ve yet to meet two people who are in a relationship, closed, open or complicated, who does not believe that the foundation of their relationship is being honest with the other person or people they are involved with. The fact remains that relationships don’t always work out. There is more to a good relationship than being honest with each other.

Good beer is stored in a cool dark place, and consumed in warm company.

…are not always separate entities.

As I was drifting off to sleep this morning somewhere about 4:30 I had the most wonderful image of what it was I wanted for the moment from the woman I imagine myself loving.

Now, no fantasy romp of swinging from a trapeze, or wild love making. If something like that happens, at some point, great, but it’s not what I imagine at this point.

No I was imagining something as simple as sitting in a recliner, her in my lap, her arms around me, with her head on my shoulder. Me with one arm gathering her close, and and the hand of my other arm stroking her red hair. The feeling of drifting off to sleep, the comfort of being with someone who both wants to be that close, and feels no demand from the other to reach beyond that for something more.

I awoke this morning with the image in my head of waking up with her, spooning, one of my hands reaching out ahead of us, but with her hand and fingers interlaced with mine. My other hand on her stomach, feeling her hand over mine, not pushing, or puling, but perhaps holding on to the sense of being close. Yes I awake with morning wood, (Hey, I’m still a guy in my imagining, and I’m with the most beautiful creature I can imagine being with, I’m pretty sure I’m going to be ready to go further if the situation comes up, and she wishes to) but the need to press on is not immediate, and to let her know that I am actually awake, I kiss the nape of her neck and whisper good morning softly over her ear.

And we stay like that. Holding, comforting, and being together.

OK! Maybe I just need to get laid. But the way I felt drifting off to sleep, and waking up with those images in mind, felt absolutely wonderful.

I don’t know if it will ever happen. I don’t know what the future holds any more than anyone else, even if I do surprise people with what appears to be pre-cognition at times. All I do know is that the image felt right for right now.

Every one of us can look to something our family does, and note that it’s a tradition that we follow. About 5 years after the Christmas tree was introduced to England from Germany, families were writing in their diaries, and letters ot others, about how they put up the Christmas tree just like they always have,

Dvorak complains about how magazines and publishers create ficticious lists of the most important inovations, or people where the list is created by someone at a meeting saying ‘”I think so and so was the most influential, beautiful, creative, something or other, person this year. Let’s make a list of other people and put them at the top.” They then publish the list, and no matter who they select, someone will write in asking what on eart were they thinking, This other person did so much more that it makes the published choice look like an also ran.

Tradition is really What we do, not simply because we personally think that it has meaning, but because as a group we find value and comfort in the activity.

I would like to say that ‘of late’ there has been a hew and cry over how commercialized Christmas has gotten. How stores are now starting to set up Christmas displays earlier and earlier. We can point to the Charlie Brown Christmas Special as just about the only thing that shows up on TV that isn’t a highly commercialized advertisement for some store or product. (The first year it wasn’t true, but compared to some of the other programs, the commercialization there is small potato.)

Up until this year, one of the ‘traditions’ I followed was to spend thanksgiving with my sister and her family. Or at least make the trip down and back. Many times this was also a trip back and forth for Christmas. Almost always I would be working within a day or two of the holiday, but I could get the day off for the celebration. However when I look at the people I work with, I see at least some people who have families that almost have never seen them on either day, and I would like them to have the opportunity. So this year I waited until after the change in schedules had happened and only then decided whether I would even ask for one or the other days off. When I checked both had already gotten all the people who were going to get vacation submitted, and I have taken different times for vacation.

Traditionally many people write a Christmas letter that the send to family and friends. I remember many a Friday night when my dad had come home from doing audits on the road, and we would all sit around the table and read the letters and Christmas cards that came in that week. I think the most consistent letter was from someone who had started otu as a neighbor and whom through those letters we watched to through relocating, changing jobs, watching their children move off and take jobs both near and far. We saw their marriage fall apart, and how he found new love and … well, their story goes on but I haven’t been following it for a few years because I’m no longer at home either.

Since Compuserve and AOL, families have used various e-mail solutions to electronically communicate some of the same things. Some have started being creative and putting together a ‘Christmas DVD’ of the many things that they have been involved in through the year. And in a way I’ve done some of that as well in that I switched from buying calendars and planners for family to printing up my own calendars based on pictures I’ve taken, and sending those.

No matter what though we each have stories to tell. Since the only ‘immediate’ family I can report on is myself and my dogs, I could relate events there, but once I point out that I’ve already writtne about several of the things that have happened here in this blog, there isn’t much else to say. As a summary, Nick is getting older, and at times a bit too shy of attention, and after watching Mindy lose weight and start to lose the ability to walk well, through the year, in late November I ended up putting her to sleep. She is not suffering any more, but it does leave a hole that really nothing but the love of God can fill.

That sort of leaves talking about myself. I can do that all day I suppose, but I’m not really interested in doing that. I’ll try to keep things a little bit brief.

Around the beginning of the year I made sure that people understood that this was the last year I was going to be the head of the Volunteer department for CONvergence. I’ve been involved with the Volunteer department for 7 or 8 years, and had been essentially a figurehead for the department for the past few years. Even with a good friend co-heading the department this last year, I was both in a position of power, and at the same time not. For various reasons I was actually OK with this. What it gave me though was experience at managing people, and making sure that things got done, without some of the administrative costs that often goes with the territory. A few years back I had my face slapped with regards to being an effective leader at a job where I had responsibility but no authority. In this case I had authority and I’m hoping that the people who were involved think that I acted responsibly, though there are things that I know I could have done better.

In April I was asked at work if I owuld be willing to take on the roll of learning about the networks that were being merged and the management of trouble tickets and issues for both. I was part of the first group of people doing this, and over the following months we learned about the tools each part of the team used, how to work with each group of vendors, and more. The primary goal of my involvement was to be there as a resource for both teams to be able to draw knoledge either of what was already in place for stuff that I have worked on over the years, to helping ease the transition for people I had been working with over the years as they learned the new platforms as well. All the while procedures on both sides going through changes and alterations as management learned what was, and wasn’t working. I hope that I’ve done a respectable job at that process. Time and changes to the environment will tell the true story of course.

Also in April I attended Anime Detour for the third time, and was involved in the main stage opening ceremonies. I decided that this was a good time to see what I could do to help out with this convention, and since then I have been going to the planning meetigns, and I expect to be involved in a couple of departments for AD 2010. While I really do enjoy the work I have done in Volunteers for CONvergence, I decided that getting involved at the Volunteer department level at AD may not be the best place. They have an effective Volunteer department already and already know that if they have any questions that they are welcome to talk with me. I’m not sure that I have the value add opportunity there that I can provide for some other departments. So I am going to help out in Communications, and Photography.

In July we held Convergence 2009. I had a great time, spent good quality time with people who are going to be taking over the Volunteer Department for this next year, and was involved in a few things that I think have developed very nicely. There is of course room for improvement, but then I think that will always be the case. If it stops being the case, I’m not sure I want to be involved anyway. But the important thing for me was to get involved at a lower level than I had before. I happen to think that I will probably continue to be ‘as’ active, but I hope to be involved in a broader variety of things at the convention.

August is probably as close to a ‘relaxed’ month as I think I saw this year. And even there I got out to Renaissance Festival in a Kilt and Beret. After picking up a white period shirt at a shop at the fest, I was basically doing my Jamie act in a variation of period attire. I went back Labor Day weekend and took a couple hundred pictures. Unfortunately that may be the last time I get to do that as 2 weeks later my new work schedule cut in and I no longer have Saturday nights off so that I can spend Sunday at the fest. There are all sorts of reasons that may not be an issue this next year, but for the time being I’m not planning on doing things on Saturdays or Sundays if they are going to take a significant amount of energy on my part.

As noted in September my job schedule changed. Management decided that they had the ideal schedule to put everyone on, well except for middle management. Now before someone suggests that I’m being bitter about the decision, I’m not. I know that middle management is on a schedule that may initially seem to be more ‘relaxed, (days, 9-5 or something like that) but the reality for the business that I’m involved in those managers are always on call. I know people who complain about getting calls in the middle of the night on the week that they are ‘oncall’ but what they seem to be ignoring is that in pretty much every one of those cases if they get called to an issue, their manager is probably already on the call ahead of them, will be on the phone for an hour or so after the issue is resolved, and will be working their regular day the following day. I don’t envy them, but I still think that the schedule that was created that I’m working now is poorly thought out. We’ll see if things change.

Perhaps the most devastating thing that happened to me during the year was not having to put Mindy to sleep. A friend that I care about a lot was diagnosed with breast cancer this year. As many people know there really isn’t a ‘recovery’ from any cancer, though you may recover from some of the damage done. There is a very important side effect however to that cancer being breast cancer in a woman. Most women attach a significant part of their sense of identity to having breasts. Big or small, they are a very personal part of themselves that they experience pain as they grow, are inordinately sensitive compared to much of the rest of their bodies, and are one of the few outwardly recognizable characteristics that give meaning to them. The loss of a breast due to cancer is a result that leaves many women feeling they are less of a person, less important, and less valued than the women they see around them.

No matter what a guy may say about the issue, it does impact how we think of and respond to a woman. And she knows that as well. She knows it going into the procedures that will result in a mastectomy and she knows it coming out of the mastectomy.

Worse for many women is that this cancer is specifically involved in things that make a woman feel she is a woman. That doesn’t mean that men are not susceptible to breast cancer as well. We are. And there have been some celebrities who have gone through mastectomies as well. But it is a cancer that is firmly linked to women. It is a cancer that essentially takes a part of what each of us think of as part of what it is to be a woman, and it tries to, and entirely too often is successful at, killing her. I know several women who have had effective treatment for breast cancer who are in remission today, but it will always be there, and I know some people who have experienced the loss of a loved one to breast cancer.

Late this year my friend had her mastectomy. While she may recover from the damage the cancer has done to her body, it will always be there. It had already migrated to her bones, and while it responded well to chemotherapy, Environmental conditions prevented some of her family from being there to provide support. And while I am not as close of a friend as I have at times wished I could be, I pretty much would do anything that I could to help her.

This next year I hope to see many positive effects of decisions and activities that I’ve participated in come to fruition. But I do know that as with what has gone before, there will be challenges, frustrations, and trials and tribulations that I can expect to learn from, and hopefully pass on some of what I learn from the experience to those around me.

This posting has probably gotten deeper into some things than some people were expecting, and I’m sure that for some other people it does nothing to explain what all I’ve seen and done over the past year. May this find you thinking about the ones you love with fondness and care. May you have found one gem of an experience you can share, or find enlightenment in. Remember that the point of the season is to remember that there are many things that are greater than any one of small group of us, and that the people around us are valuable to us in ways we often do not recognize. The tradition is not in the getting, or even in the giving, it is in the being part of something greater, and sharing that with those we love.

Merry Christmas.

Every guy knows at some level that he is replacable. It could be with another guy, or a woman, a toy, or even an interestingly shaped handdle, or piece of a broom stick. It often doesn’t matter if a guy is married to a woman or not, He may be replaced at almot any time by another guy, who happens to be convienent, and attracts the appropriate, or is it inappropriate, interest.

One of the side effects of this is that guys either get overly confident, blustery, the like about their own proweres, ability, or endouments, or (and this may also be within those, he becomes insecure, and starts seaking signs that his current interest is devoted tohim in ways that may never materialize.

Someone is going to come along here, and accuse me of saying that “all women are low life scumm who … yada, yada.” I’m not. I honestly think that a majority of women are very satisfied with their partner, and suspect that within stable relationships, the majority take no opportunities to stray. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that most pair bonds are stable relationships. Entirely too  many of us find some way to either re-affirm our manhood, and there is a strong incentive for a woman to find a stable partner who will provide over the long term, whil finding an unstable partner who excites and pleases her for brief periods of time.

With a few exceptions, I suspect that the ‘unstable’ partner is going to carry a lot of characteristics in common with her long term partner, if only to reduce the chance that she will be abandoned with a baby that matches a few characteristics that are somewhat uncommon for highly unlikely to have come from him. Say for example if he and she are read headed irish folk, and their new baby happens to have somewhat darker skin tone, or straight black hair, mom might gt concerned that dad is wondering just how close she’s been getting to the black or indian postman, or the asian tax lawyer they worked with last winter. It’s possible that he’s been ‘replaced’ even temporarily, but if she were thinking about it already, she’s probably made sure that it’s the irish milkman she’s getting some on the side in the morning with instead.

Again, I’m not saying that this is the majority situation. But it does happen, and many, if not most, guys are very concerned about it happening to them.

One method of coping is to ‘Play the field.’ and ‘not commit’ to a relationship, untill he’s a lot more certain that he’s not being played for a fool.

Women, as much as some guy’s will suggest otherwise, by playing the field, or having a girl in every port or at every truck stop, etc, you are not replaceable. And at some level you realize that. You get jealous when you think that a guy is cheating on you with another woman. Now some guys might think that this is strange, why should you be allowed to be jealous, and the guy sort of has to cope with his fears. Well, there is an average 19 year commitment reason that you become concerned over very quickly.

If you’ve decided on the nice stable guy, and all too late you discover that he’s still playing the field, and has knocked up some other woman, you start having all sorts of questions that need to be handled. “When was my last period” may very well be the first question you ask. Ok, it’s not exactly a question for you, it’s more along the lines of it’s been X days since i started, or finished my last period, and I have n-x days left. And you robably know that if you areat x=n-x, or within a couple of days of that, and you’ve been messing around, that you may now have a really big concern over who’s going to help you while Stable guy is over at the other woman’s house raising his other woman’s child.

My take on it is that there’s not a lot of time being spent on trying to figure out what the likelyhood of you being pregnant are. If you’ve been working towards that condition, you already have a pretty good idea of where you are in the cycle. It’s more handling the emotional concerns of ‘what now?’ than trying to figure out ‘odds.’

Of course some guys are going to be cuckooled. It happens, and strangely enough we tend to see enough variation in even ‘perfectly matched’ parrent’s children that a cucooled child can often get by un-noticed. Ladies, I’m going to suggest that if you’ve introduced this sort of a situation, that you work damned hard to make sure that your huby knows that he is appreciated. Perhaps more than he was when you got together to begin with. Specifically you want him to know that even though he was sitting home alone the nights you were in an out of town staff meeting just 9 months before littl one showed up, that little one is very definately ‘dad’s. And reward him frequently. We tend to think with our balls entirely too often, but I would say that its perfectly OK to take advantage of that, and keep our balls happy and in play.

As hard as I tried for 9 years as a single parrent, I can assure you that I know that mom is not who I ever was. I made mistakes, and I know that mom’s do as well, don’t get me wrong, And I don’t think there is ever going to be a step-mom who will suffice. In most cases a father who becomes a single parrent, either as a result of a divorce, or as a result of becoming a widdower. As a single parrent, it’s almost a given that dad will not have the time to get involved with someone who he will be comfortable bringing into his children’s lives as a ‘replacement’ for ‘Mom.”

There are things that I’m not happy with about my ex. Some of them are related to how she fought some of the battles we fought, legal and others. But the thing that most disturbs me is that since we separated, I’ve not developed a stable relationship with another woman. And as odd as it seams, the fault for that is not her, so much as it is my own.

The really bad part is that I like a number of women that I trust, though some might consider that trust to be misplaced. In my case the trust is that I have what I conseder to be a reasonably confident ability to predict an unfavorable result to specific situations. Mostly it means that I won’t let myself get into a situation where that variety of result can happen with them. I’m really hoping that in most cases, that ‘trust’ is misplaced, however I don’t expect to give many people the chance to gain confusion on the subject.

Sounds like I don’t like women? That’s not what I said by any means. In fact with very rare exceptions I very much like most women I have become aquainted with. I even like my ex, and there are people who think I should not. But ‘liking’ is not the same as ‘willing to risk.’

I’m at the point in my career where I am really working on getting my retirement in order. That’s not exactly conducive to having and raising children. And it’s really not conducive to paying child support for 18 or 20 years either. At some level I do think that’s rather sad. But it’s a decision I’ve pretty much committed to for myself.

Obviously this does not mean that I have to be alone. At the moment I have some pretty good ideas of who I’m not interested in sharing that part of my life with, but I still haven’t decided what characteristics I am interested in.

Experience suggests that I won’t see more than one or two comments on this blog, if I see even that many. That said, I really am open to suggestions. I’m not interested in a ‘mail order bride’ or being set up in an “arranged” situation. I wouldn’t mind a few recommendations, or meetings that are arranged, it’s the whole ‘your going to do…’ variety of arrangeed that I’m not interested in.

Tomorrow is Mother’s day. If your mother is arround, send her a greeting of love, and appreciation. If she is not arround, and you’re hardly alone in that, remember her with fondness and love. Especially remember her hopes and wishes for you. It’s entirely likely that you have not achieved many or all of those dreams. Most of us do not. But those hopes and dreams are still a part of her image of you, and you should remember those things too. After all, Your mother was not replaceable either.

Best of wishes.

A couple of disclaimers. I happen to be oriented towards women, so there is a large portion of the human experience related to guys in relationships that I have little or no insight to give. There may be some carry over of thoughts on guys that may be of use to the gay community, but that is neither the community I am personally interested in, or the subject of this blog. I am also not a professional when it comes to studying people. I’m not going to quote studies, reports or anything along those lines to give evidence to my comments here. If you happen to study the topic as part of your profession and want to point out areas where I am so far wrng that it’s not funny, you have my blessing. It’s not like I’m going to loose any standing in the field of psychology or sociology. I recognize that I may state a lot of things that are wrong, and hope that people will politely correct me on those elements.

I am a guy. I’m not an expert on guys, but I tend to be somewhat thoughtful on a number of topics, and some people think that I explain topics that I find interesting very well. My primary interest is not in guys, but in talking to women (who are my primary interest) I’ve encountered a number of observations, statements and accusations that I think warent some commentary from me.

Guy’s generally want to do three things. First is survive. Second is get laid. Third is competition. Pretty much everything a guy does can be looked at as part of one of those three things. Work is doing something that you’re ‘good’ at in an effort to make it possible to survive. If you can have fun while doing that, great. And there are more than a few occupations that tend to get one laid, which works out well for guys doing that.

In general guys are not all that complex. In competition, we only rarely strive to be the best so that we get laid more often, it tends to be a secondary reward. Wining tends to increase our chances of survival. And we consider it play as well. In many competitions, the play aspect is more important than the ‘survival’ aspect.

Some people think that the getting laid aspect is part of the surviving, or even the play/competing aspect. I won’t say that it doesn’t have a place, just that I don’t personally think that it is the critical aspect in general for guys.

A common misconception through the years is that ‘all guys think about is sex.’ I have three days in mind that clearly put that subject on ice. Fishing opener, Hunting opener, and Superbowl Sunday. Some people may say that the first two are part of ‘survival’ but even they recognize that those guys who go out on those days to hunt and fish, are not doing so because the fish they bring in, or the deer meet (elk, moose, bear, etc.) is a critical and life sustaining part of their diet. Additionally both hunting and fishing have some interest in Trophies. That’s competition, not survival, and it’s about as far from getting laid as these things tend to get.

There are other events through the year that demonstrate that guys regularly put thoughts of sex further down their list of things to do than is often suggested. That said, it pretty much always is there, and under some circumstances can be brought up to the fore rather quickly.

Guys don’t tend to multi-task well. In the computer world there are two ways that programs can multi-task. The first is interrupt driven. Something interupts the processor in doing whatever it is doing, and takes over until something else interupts the processor. The second is scheduled, where each program is allocated a timeslot to do work within, and that’s ‘it.’ (As a note, implementation of the latter is often done using a clock that interupts the current process and tells the processor to go on to the next process or program.) The problem with Interupt driven multitasking is that you end up with tings left to get done that just don’t happen. The advantage of course is that responsiveness seems ‘better.’ Guy’s tend to be interupt driven when it comes to doing things, and capturing our attention. Some of us have gotten to the point where we can priorities those interupts, though even that is not always a very clean process.

Perhaps the most demeaning thing you can say in the presence of a guy is “All of the good guys are taken.” It’s just one of those statements that you can’t go right with amoung guys. No matter how ‘good’ or ‘bad’ the guy sees himself as, if he’s single, you’ve just painted him with the ‘I will ignore you’ brush. He knows he’s already been judged and found lacking in your eyes. One joke I’ve read on the topic points out that single women think all the good ones are married, and married women ask ‘who got them” and the logical explanation is that there is no such thing as a ‘good’ guy.

The other serious flaw on the ‘All the good guys are taken.’ statement is that a guy hearing that statement wil all too often hear it as ‘I don’t expect to be treated well by a guy.’ And if you don’t expect to be treated well by a guy, then you must expect to be treated like dirt, so he will do just that. If you want to be treated well, you have to recognize that there are a lot of guys you haven’t met who very likely will treat you well, and you need to be more vocal about what you want and are looking for in a guy, especially when there are guys present.

Want to be treated like royalty? It’s basically a fairly simple 2 step process. When talking with a guy, ask him where he thinks the two of you will be in a year or two. Five or ten if you’ve been seeing each other for a while. This will set him up to be thinking of the two of you as a couple with some history. Then ask what sorts of things would work towards improving that relationship for the two of you. Be ready to think about what you see in him as someone you can see yourself loving a year or so down the line, and see what sorts things you can see up front in him that you know will get better with time. And part of that is going to be how much you love his generous nature to you. How you love how thoughtful he is towards you, etc. Along the way, letting him know what sorts of responses he can expect from that sort of treatment will make it significantly easier for him to figure out for himself.

While a guy may be looking at you only as a person to share the sack with tonight, he may also be looking at what you being a part of his life will mean for him and his future. Letting him know directly what you can do may be out of the question. However if you demonstrate to a guy an understanding of what he does and is, he is far more likely to see being with you as improving his survival state, and possibly increasing his opportunities to enjoy life.

Granted that does imply that you are looking for someone who offers what he is able to, and that you are looking for something more than a one night stand yourself. If you want a one night stand, make it clear up front that you’re after one thing only, and don’t confuse having a good time with him for thinking that perhaps you should change your mind. I’m not saying that he will think less of you or anything, just that you chose to be with him for a specific activity, and have let him know it. If you’re willing to entertain rethinking that later on, you have to let him know that something significant in your relationship with him has changed, and you like what you see so far.

There are a lot of guys out there who are not looking for a one night stand. Some because they are cynical, others because they see it as a matter of their faith. If you are spending nights clubbing, or the like, you probably won’t run into either. But on the off chance you do, recognize that spending time with him is going to be something other than sex, though it may be sexually charged. Personally I suspect that he will be releaving that charged state in private, but it’s probably not something he’s going to be willing to discuss.

Guy’s tend to ‘find’ women by appearance. So obviously appearance seems to be ‘importan’t in meeting guys right? Not really. In fact it can be one of the wost things you can do for your chances. It’s not a given, but most guys over the age of 20 have figured out that the ‘Hot Babe’ at the bar has more put-downs at her disposal than he has pickup lines. (And yes he does need to learn that the best ‘pickup line’ to use is ‘Hello, my name is [his name].’) If you go out of your way to show up as the perfect 10, most guys will look at you, and decide whether they want to go through the put downs or not. Since it’s neither ‘fun’ nor likely to improve his chances of ‘survival,’ you know that most of the guys that will approach you are looking to get laid. They may be doing ot to show up their buddies, but at this point he doesn’t knwo enough about you to know if that’s likely to enhance his survival, and there’s always the chance that you are at the bar with your 250 lb linebacker boyfriend who will see if the guy who aproaches you works well as a tent peg, really discouraging him.

Most guys don’t know what sorts of signals women are sending to encourage him to approach her. Many will recognize that a signal has been sent, but not necessarily what the meaning is. And the vast majority have no idea what the sequence of steps from first sight to a passionate kiss are. For most both of these things are essentially a strange language that they don’t understand. It doesn’t seem to prevent them from getting along well enough with many women, but obviously it’s not a given that you will find such an experience enjoyable. Sorry.

Obviously this is rather short, and hardly encyclopedic. As much as the above is filled with generalizations, it should be viewed as just a small part of what makes a guy someone you may want to get to know. Every guy is different. If you don’t believe me, ask a dozen married women if their husband was swapped with some stranger, would they know the difference. Yes they would. And every woman is different. There are guys who seem to either ignore that, or appear to believe that it is wrong, but ask them which of any two women at the shopping mall, or wherever they may be, is of greater interest to them, and it is clear that he does think of each woman differently.

Hopefully this is of some help to someone. As I say, I love women in general, and are rather fond of a few, while lusting after several, some of which may be in the fond of group as well. I’ve come to the broad concern that I’m not sure who I may be ‘right’ for these days. I’ve pretty much gotten past the ‘they are all nuts’ phase, though that does still crop up from time to time. Whether I lust after a woman, are fond of her, or she’s in the ‘love em all’ group, I really wish the very best to all, including that you find someone who loves you as much as you love them.