Rusty's Blog

If you pick up a book specifically aimed at guys looking to get involved with women, there is a basic starting point that they all have. ‘Don’t be desperate.’ There are various techniques for addressing the possibility of being desperate that are discussed. And each of those has it’s advantages and disadvantages. However they all stem from the perspective that a guy looking to get out on a date is desperate. Desperation is pictured as the worst possible starting point for dating, and you have to become not desperate in order to be successful with women.

There is a problem with this stance. Being desperate is a really bad place to start from. Women can tell you are desperate almost the moment you walk into a room. Some may even equate the emotion to having a stink about it. But it is not the worst place to start. That place is Contentment.

If you either ‘are’ content with being single, or live in such a way that shouts ‘I’m OK, Don’t worry about me, if nothing happens, that’s OK too.’ then you have to change that first. That change may go through desperation, or possibly straight to being an engaging, fun person to be around, confident and all the things that a woman is looking for either short term or long (depending on your own goals) but it’s somewhat unlikely. In many cases you’ve developed some bad habits that you will need to make changes to.

My own case. In December of 1988, and January of 1989, three things of importance to me happened. Somethings I’m pretty happy about, and something equally shaped me, but was another sign of something already happening.. The things that I’m happy about will get just this brief notice, which may seem odd, but it affects a lot of other things, so I’m going to include it. In December of 1988, my daughter turned 4, and in January of 1989 my son turned 1. I’m very proud of both of them. Also in December of 1988, I had my first divorce hearing, and in January of 1989 my divorce was finalized. Why the birthdays of my daughter and son are important to what follows is that at the time of our divorce, they were both living with me, and I had full custody. The reasons for why that happened are not important. It happened. For the next 9 years I retained full custody. I made a few mistakes, and after 9 years we ended up exchanging custody.

In trying to be what I viewed at the time as a responsible single parent, student, and all, I really didn’t go out and get involved in any of the various social scenes where we lived. Oh, I can come up with lots of excuses. Money was tight, I couldn’t afford a baby sitter, no relatives in the area to ask to watch the kids, The real simple matter is that I found the divorce pretty unsettling, had not developed a lot of frineds and was not in a position where I was likely to be inoved in a social scene that I could have dated within. And I got comfortable there. I had my kids, there was no pressure to go have more kids. From then until now, I’ve dated somewhere between 5 and 10 times, depending on what you call a date, and none of them got to so much as the groping stage. A couple involved a bit of kissing, but I doubt anyone would consider that news to write home about.

I can come up with lot’s of reasons why, but I never felt like it was a good idea to bring a date home. You can make what you will of possible reasons for that, but the ultimate explanation is that I didn’t need to, so I didn’t, and sinc the daet was not going anywhere, they didn’t progress.

And while I’ve been ‘content’ I would not say that I was satisfied. They are two different things. Content means that there may be better options than what you have at hand, but the work to get to the point where you can enjoy those options isn’t worth the effort in your mind. Satisfied means that you’ve really got a pretty good thing going. There may be better options than what is satisfying you, but this is really good.

I suspect that there are a lot of guys, and probably a lot of women too, who happen to be content. You are actively looking for and reading books about dating. You may even be trying the suggestions out, but there’s something missing. Oh, you have the desperation licked, it’s out cold. It’s just, that this dating stuff is a lot of work, and, I’d rather sit at home and watch some TV, or work on a project, or… There is no urgency in dating for you.

Ok, I can here some of my friends, “What, what do you mean no urgency? Don’t you want to get laid? Sex is just about the best thing about being human!” and so on. In response, Yes I do want to get laid. I do think it’s just about the most fantastic thin that has ever happened in my life, and I want very much to do that again. However I’ve gon all this time without getting laid, and I’m not exactly dead, so what’s the hurry? I want it to be with someone I care about (Or other excuses.)

The reality is I got content. I do consider the sex I’ve had to be some of the very best experiences in my life. OK, some of it was sort of dull, at least if you ask my ex. (I certainly am not going to claim that we went through the entire Kama Sutra in the 4 years we were married, but there were definitely times where sex seemed to be mechanical, I’m sure that was true for both of us, and not always at the same time. And not only does that make for bad pr0n, it isn’t really good for wanting to get involved in a relationship either.

I wouldn’t have been interested in dating if I didn’t think there was something better than what I was living through. But as I say, pretty much every guide on how to get out and date presumes that you are starting from being desperate. You’ve built up this deep need to get laid. That woman might reject you and you are afraid that it will leave you devastated. And as I’m reading it, I can see where that would be the case for most guys, but I’m not sure how it applies to me. Because it doesn’t. I’m in the state beyond desperate. Not quite apathetic, but it’s close enough to not make a significant difference.

I’ve been in a rut, and it’s time to get out. That is going to take a lot of cleaning up. There’s a lot of garbage that’s accumulated that needs to simply be thrown out, donated, sold off, etc. I may get to the point where I am desperate. I kind of hope not. but the objective is to get to the point where there is urgency in meeting and getting involved with the women I am interested in. From there? There is a universe of possibilities.

I doubt I’ll be ‘documenting’ all of the stuff that happens along the way. I’m pretty sure that most people would think it is boring. Certain friends I am looking to to keep reminding me that there is something wonderful beyond where I am, and whether they are involved in that for me or not, I’m not going to get too concerned about.

Buzz. Buzz. “Oh now what?” Someone along the line thought it would be fun to code Fer Elise into the phone’s ring tones, but did it as a vibration mode. I’m not really sure what the master would have thought of that. You pick up the phone and hit the answer button. “Hello?”

“Hi Jin! It’s me.” I call out. “I gather you’re not quite awake yet. Did you have a good night?”

You smile, “Yeah, It was good. What time is it anyway?”

“Well, you phone should be able to tell you that, but it’s 2 in the afternoon.” I answer. “Would you be interested in getting some fresh air? Might help wak you up.”

“Ok, what did you have in mind?”

“Well, I was out shopping this morning, and I found a bottle of wine that I had no idea was still available. A good deal. I realized that as long as I’ve known you Jin, I’ve never treated you to my favorite wine. I was thinking of going over to Knobb hill, get a little walk going up the hill, and we could have some wine and cheese at the top. It’s a beautiful day, and I would love to share a part of it with a good friend. I can pick you up in an hour if you would like. Give you a chance to get some of the sleep out of your eyes, and ready to go. See you then?”

“OK, sounds good.”

“See you in 60 min Jin.” and you hear the phone disconnect.

“Why did I agree to do that again?” you ask yourself. “I know he’s a good friend, but, Well, OK, he’s a great guy. Lots of fun to hang around with. Never pushy, doesn’t stare at my boobs, seems to know where my eyes are, almost as if he’s more interested in what’s inside of me than anything else. OK, I’m going.” you laugh.

An hour later you hear my bike pull up. You throw on your jacket, grab your helmet and are putting it on as you step out the front door. You nestle in behind me, arms around my chest, and lay your head against my back. As we take off, I can feel you singing as the vibrations shake your chest against my back. It’s one of the things I love about riding with you.

The road flows away behind us as we ride over to Knobb hill. The parking lot is pretty much empty. Well, it is 3 in the afternoon. I bring the bike to a stop in a parking spot, you get off the bike, your hair tousled behind you. I shut down the bike, get it on it’s stand, lock it, and grab the saddle bags. We each take our helmets off, and hang them from the frame of the bike under the seat, and lock that down as well. You brush out your hair one last time, I love how you can do that. “Let’s go!” I declare. I throw the saddle bags over my shoulder, reach out a hand to you, and wave to the trail head. “The world awaits presently for a good friend to enjoy.”

You laugh and grab my hand almost pulling me along. “Yes! Let’s!” you declare, and we are off.

As we step into the woods, there is an old sign that reads “Foresta de Memories: The forest of memories, dreams and more. Hold on.” which you think ends oddly.

“Hold on? I wonder what that’s all about?” you muse.

“Well, there are stories of people who have some strange memories after a walk through the woods.” I reply. “I don’t know what to make of it. I don’t think I’ve ever had an experience like that. How about you?”

“Nope. So tell me about the wine.” you say.

Walking through the forest, the main lane is broad and well traveled, but there are hundreds of side trails, some look fairly well traveled, others look like they are little more than a trail for a mouse on it’s daily walk.

I start talking about the discovery of the wine at the store. It’s one of those conversations that takes little more than an occasional ‘Hmm’ or ‘Uh huh’ on your part, and your mind begins to wander.

And wander it does. All of a sudden you look around, I’m not there any more, but you are in a room, lined in shelves, most of the shelves are filled with fine wooden boxes. Beautifully carved, some with hasps, some with out. ‘Someone cares a great deal for what is inside these boxes. But what hapend, I was on the trail up Knob hill with my friend?’ you think to yourself.

“You still are. See?” and an image of the two of us walking along the trail is displayed in front of you. “I see we have a little bit of time. I’m Vakt, keeper of your friend’s memories. Welcome. He cares for these memories more than even he is aware of. You are the first person I’ve met who he cares enough about to be open to sharing even a part of them with. Even if he is unaware that it is happening.”

“Well, it has been an odd day. Might as well enjoy the experience.” Jin replies.

“Good!” Vakt replies, “A curious Jin is someone who can make magic happen at turning points.”

“Oh great another joker who treats my name like I’m a Djihn, which I most certainly am not.” you say as you roll your eyes.

“Perhaps not.” Vakt responds laughing, “Just the same, magic can happen around you.”

Vakt explains “This is the memory storage room for your friend. Each box is for a friend, a lover, a family member, someone who did something marvelous in his life, and a few people that he has done nothing more than dream about. Being here means that you are welcome to learn about some of his past. Oh, he would talk about them, but long ago he learned that most people don’t want to hear about other people in someone’s life. So while they are as precious as the boxes make them appear, they are only shared with the curious, who ask. While you are completely welcome, and you can spend as much time as you would like right now, once you are back on that path, there isn’t much time left. And while you may return, it will never be the same.

“Why do some boxes have locks on them?” You ask.

“Various reasons. Let’s start with this one.” Vakt pulls out a key and removes the lock. Takes the box down and the two of you sit at a coffee table. Vakt puts the box on the floor next to the table, opens the lid and lifts out the contents and spreads them over the table. The image of a beautiful woman appears. She dances, long flowing gown, hair almost floating, later you see your friend and her dancing together, first hand in hand ball room dancing, then later on, in a slow embrace, bodies pressed together, kissing. You see the two of them making love slowly, deliberately, and at times enthusiastically. And as time progresses, you see them separate. Close to the end of the collection of memories you see her in a wedding dress. Your friend is there, but he’s not the groom. That’s his best friend, or was at the time. There is a piece of paper. A note for the memories, but clearly not one that was given to anyone else. “My dearest June, Thank you for some wonderful memories. They will live forever inside of me. I’m truly happy to see you two together and happy. You are both blessed, and treasured as friends.”

“I feel like I know this woman.” you say.

“Oh, you do. She wasn’t his first love, or the most intense of them, but they are still good friends, and you’ve seen them often.” Vakt replies. “June looks a bit different these days. And she is still madly in love with her husband. Your friend knows that, and he is the one who put the lock on the box. Oh, he still sees the beauty in her. But he does not wish to come between the two of them. So he locked up these memories, they are to be cherished, but they are a danger for him, and he knows it. Oh, his best friend knows that his wife and your friend were lovers at one time, but he also knows that it is over. Locked away, treasured but only to be experienced in the past.”

“How are they organized? The boxes that is.” You ask.

“Mostly they are organized by how important the memory is to him.” Vakt replies as he puts the box back on the top shelf, and locks it again. “Also with some order of time. Way over there are some of the oldest memories. People whom he has not seen in most of his life.” Let me show you. Vakt pulls down a box, comes back over to the table and pulls out the memories putting them on the table. “This was Dawn. When they met, your friend was 6 years old, and they only knew each other for a couple of years.” The memories playing back show them playing baseball with Dawn’s sisters, fades to building snowmen, having a snowball fight, fades to out picking raspberries, and talking about the difference between boy’s and girls. They show each other theirs, though he is strangely scared at the time. “He found out that she got married a few years back. But hasn’t been back to even say hello.”

“Will he? It looks like she was someone he thought about a lot. The box looks like it is handled more than many of the others.” you note.

“That’s a good question. I think he doesn’t really see the need. He has his memories and he knows he is not the person he was then, and by extension she is not either. She was about as close to a girlfriend as a 6 year old can get I suppose, but again, it was a long time ago.”

“What is with the boxes near the bottom there? really unimportant people?”

“Nope. all people are important to him. However at the bottom are friends and people whom nothing ever happened with, though they are the foundations for many a dream.”

“What do you mean? Foundations for dreams?” you ask.

“Yes. Some are people he met, but for whatever reason they never got beyond knowing each other’s names. Robin for example.” And he pulls out a thin box bringing it back to the table. The memory unfolds as a stunningly beautiful high school student. There is a strange mist surrounding some of the memories. “He knew her from middle elementary school, on up till they both graduated from high school. They sat next to each other in some classes, and he was infatuated with her, but later on she always seemed to be interested in older guys. The fogginess around some of the memories are an indication that they are dreams.” And the memories go back on the shelf.

As you look over the shelves, you see what looks like someone took a sledge hammer to a section. The boxes are intact, but the shelving is clearly damaged. “What happened there?” There is one box with a different type of lock on it. Not just locked to the shelf, but sealed. On top of it there is another box.

“That is from when he was married.” Vakt responds. Not even I can open the double locked box. It requires both his, and my agreement. However we both agreed that there are memories involved worth keeping available.” And he pulls down the box sitting on top. As the memories unroll, the most beautiful woman yet appears. Walking, holding hands. Memories of her pregnant, giving birth, nursing a son, and a daughter. The memory positively shines with love. Times shared in embraces, dancing, making love. There is a lot in there.

“She looks wonderful.” you say. “I can see why he loved her. But why the damage to the shelves?”

That is the result of the other box. The one I can not show you. All I can say is that when his marriage fell apart, it nearly destroyed him. The things he would do, The memories are locked away because they are important to him. They are locked this way because he knows that they can destroy him. As they nearly did then.”

“It did change him though. He’s never quite been the same since. Oh he still loves people, but he is a lot more cautious about giving his heart fully to anyone. That’s part of what June found, and why she moved on. It still tears at him, and I wonder at times if he will ever love someone completely again. Though I know that he wants to.”

“It is a big reason that so few boxes have hasps after that though. Only a few ever got to the point where he felt it was necessary that he put the memories away for good.”

As you look over the shelves you see that there are a few worn spots that don’t have boxes in them. “What are those spots?” you ask.

“Oh, those are boxes in the making. Good friends, women he’s interested in. Because they are in progress, I can’t really show you the memories of them, but I can show you what he sees.”

“Oh? OK.”

Vakt picks up a box from the table. shavings show that the box is almost complete. Clearly there is a position reserved to add a hasp, though carving could be extended into the area as well.

As Vact places the contents on the table, an amazingly beautiful woman appears. “I wish I looked like that!” you declare. Vakt smiles. The woman dances beautifully, sings with a clear and distinct voice, in there is a sad harmony keeping pace. A smile that can warm a room. A familiar laugh. “Who is this?”

“Someone he loves very much, but who is not aware of his feelings. She is someone he considers a very good friend, and would probably be willing to share the rest of his life with, but he also knows that she’s had her share of trouble with guys. What you see is what he sees, not necessarily what you would see of the same person. In fact you probably don’t see the same things, but that’s OK.”

“One other for now.” Vakt takes the box to the table, and brings back another. What is revealed is a stunningly beautiful woman. Someone who cares deeply for those around her, shares of herself. She’s been hurt of late, and you can see that your friend is sad because of the hurt, and is doing what little he feels he can to help this woman. She is also someone he clearly loves.

“That will do for now Jin.” You and your friend are getting close to the top of the hill. He is beginning to wonder if you are really paying attention, all the ‘Hmm..’ and ‘Uh huh’s are beginning to get him concerned. Usually you are more talkative. I think he’s chalking it up to you having a late night last night. He did wake you at 2 this afternoon right?’

“Yes, it was a wonderful night. I wish he could have been there to enjoy it as well.”

“Hmph. It probably would have done him some good, but he doesn’t know that does he?” Vakt asked. “In any case you should know that he’s about to put another friend’s memories on the shelf, and he’s not really happy about it. What happens at the top of the hill can be magic. He does love you a lot after all, even if all you know is a good friend. You can take that any direction you want to go. I don’t know if letting you experience this part of him is a good idea. But I’ve seen enough of you to know that you do care about your friend and the people around you, so perhaps. He trusts you. Which isn’t freely given. But he’s not going to survive another experience like he had with the woman who was his wife.

Fade back to the trail, we’re near the top. “Hey here we are.” There’s a couple of boulders over there with a flat spot next to them. I pull out a picknic blanket from the saddle bags and spread it out. From the other bag I pull out the block of cheese, the bottle of wine, a bottle opener and a pair of glasses from the blanket side of the bags. We sit, our backs to boulders, I open the bottle and pour for each of us. Look into your eyes and toast you. ‘Jin, one of the loveliest women It’s been my fortune to be friends with.” look off to the view the hill provides and raise my glass “The world before, where no one knows it shall lead, to friends, family, love, and memories, may they be everything we aspire to.”

I had hopes. Oh well.

I’ve been using Pentax K-Mount lenses since I received my first SLR camera. That camera is a Pentax K-1000 35mm film camera. It reminds me a bit of the early versions of Linux. The camera itself gives you just enough information to take a picture, but you have to be conscious of just about every aspect of what the camera is doing to get something interesting captured on film. Manual everything. Exposure, aperture, focus, film advance, well, OK there isn’t much left is there? The one thing that the camera had specifically built in was a light meter with a floating needle that would tell you if you had a film speed, shutter speed and aperture combination that would take a picture that could be developed. You could be pointing at a grey card, or a sunset, and the meter would move up or down as you adjusted other characteristics of the camera.

I received the camera with a basic 50mm f2.0 ‘M’ lens. It seems like a match made in heaven. The lens does not have any contacts to tell the camera what it’s capabilities are, allow the camera to adjust the aperture, much less automate the camera focus. Then again as you adjusted the aperture a lever would let the camera know what you had the f-stop set at. Without it, metering is pretty much useless. And while the lens is fully manual, none of my automated lenses, have an f-stop rating that comes close to that 2.0.

Now don’t get me wrong. Having an automated lens isn’t a requirement for taking great pictures. But there are a lot of situations where you want to be able to keep your attention ons something other than every aspect of what the camera is doing, and perhaps pay attention to the subject, or who knows, perhaps be aware of the oncoming car you’re shooting, so you can step out of the way at the right moment. OK, for most of us the advantage is to be able to compose our shot, take the picture, and move on. We might be interested in adjusting the shutter speed to address the rapidly moving kids. Or perhaps we are interested in setting the aperture to give us a better depth of field. But beyond that we’re usually OK with whatever the camera selects for the alternative.

And there are conditions where we want to be able to get as much light as possible into the camera. There are lenses available for cameras that are identified as being a f1.2 lens, or possibly f1:1.2. Most zoom lenses give you a maximum aperture of f4.5 or in some of the more expensive lenses, f3.5, but only at certain focal lengths. At ‘longer’ lengths you might only get a f5.6 aperture. A quick way to understand what this ratio means, is that for a unit of light to reach the film or sensor, the f-stop identifies how many units of light need to hit the front of the lens from what you are trying to take a picture of.

Essentially there are four factors in getting an image on the sensor, besides focus. The sensitivity of the sensor, The amount of light available, The time that the shutter is open, and the amount of light that is passed through the lens. Increasing the sensitivity of the sensor introduces ‘grain’ into the image. It may also be presenting noise of other sorts in digital photography. CCDs don’t really care whether the charge was built or removed by light in the wavelengths we see in, or in some other energetic spectrum.

We have a limited amount of control over the amount of light available. Outside, at night, in rural Montana, you may have nothing but the light of the stars above you available. I suppose that’s true of daylight as well, though the star involved there is a bit closer. You can add illumination to the situation, set up a huge floodlight, or gather a bunch of cars and turn on their headlights, but for the most part you will only get a small change in the overall lighting. Note that using a camera flash doesn’t do you all that much good outdoors, unless the setting is sufficiently similar to being indoors, as to not matter. Indoors, you probably have more control over the amount of light available, but even with that you are only going to get so much before people complain about it being too bright. The usual solution is to add a camera flash, but again too much light can bother people.

So, in places where you can’t increase the amount of light available, you start playing around with shutter speed. However you have to be careful here as well. The longer the camera shutter is open, the more likely it is that the camera or subject will move. The old, very old, way of solving this problem was to physically clamp people into place. If it looks like people are stiff and wooden in an old time picture, it’s probably because of the clamps, buckles, and related constraints, all cleverly hidden behind the subject, but generally ensuring that not even a finger moves during the time the shutter is open. The film process available at the time would often require that the camera be open for minutes at a time, compared to the fractions of a second we have been seeing for some time. The cameras also were mounted on as stable of a platform as the photographer could find. If he could fasten it to the floor, he would. Now-a-days we use lightweight tripods, or bean bags to hold the camera stable while the lens is open.

Finally we have some control over how much light can get through the lens. If you buy an SLR today, it’s almost a guarantee that you will get a zoom lens with the camera. It’s a very flexible piece of equipment, and generally works well. That’s not to say that the fixed focal length lenses don’t have their advantages. They do. The mechanics of bending light to change the focal length of a lens mean that there are more things within the lens that present an obstacle to light passing through the lens. It ‘narrows’ or reduces the maximum f-stop, which means less light gets to the sensor. As a result you see zoom lenses with f3.5, f4, f4.5 or worse maximum apertures. Fixed focal length lenses on the other hand don’t have the same arrangement of parts in them. Usually they have a barrel that is turned in and out to change the focus, and an iris that allows you to narrow down the amount of light getting through the lens. There is usually a second lens close to the sensor, but not a lot otherwise. Much more of the light can get through. The limiting factor is usually how much glass is actually involved in the lens. For a 50 mm lens (focal length) the range of maximum apertures range from a low cost f2 lens, to much higher cost f1.4 lenses. It is not unusual for the higher cost lenses to be more expensive than the camera they are mounted on. This is sometimes called ‘Good Glass.’

So, I’ve got this 50 mm lens that came with my K-1000. Can I use it? Actually yes I can, but there are a few limitations. If I pull out the K-1000, I have to use film. Theoretically I could replace the film with a digital sensor, but the camera body itself isn’t really designed for that, and it would be a lot of work I don’t really want to do on that camera. So the next question is can I use it on any of my other cameras? And the answer is a qualified yes. The first camera I would try this on is my K100D dslr. For the Pentax line, this is the digital equivalent of the K-1000 so far as the camera is a starter camera. And the 50mm lens does mate up to the camera. However it’s not nearly as good of a match as I would like.

The camera itself does not use the lever from the lens to let the camera know what the aperture you’ve selected is, and also does not have the ability to switch the lens from view, or wide open, mode to the selected aperture. So you are stuck with wide open when taking pictures with the lens. That’s not altogether bad, but when taking photos indoors, it can easily overwhelm the sensor. But it is a lens, and allows you to focus, and if all goes well, you can take some very good pictures.

I’m going to try something a little bit different though. I’m going to pick up a low cost Pentax SMC-A lens. If all goes well, that lens will not have auto-focus, but the amount of light coming in should be helpful in indoor photography situations. We shall see.

I have one other lens that I’m interested in getting. Thought I had ordered as a matter of fact, but hadn’t. That’s an 18-200mm zoom lens to go on the K20D. Who knows though, I may switch up the lenses and camera bodies. We’ll see.

Not sure what tomorrow will bring. Not planning great things I’m afraid.

Past couple of days have left me somewhat short of sleep. As I was driving home this morning I stopped at the gas station, filled up, and picked up a couple of quarts of motor oil, and a couple of quarts of transmission fluid.

Since you want to check and add transmission fluid while the engine is running, and the transmission is warm, I left the car running when I got home and parked. Grabbed a funnel out of the trunk, pulled the transmission dip stick, put in the funnel, and added a quart. As the fluid drained out of the funnel I glanced at the bottle, and realized that things had just gone pretty bad. The fluid I had just poured into the trany was motor oil. Well, synthetic 5-30 motor oil, but definately the wrong stuff to go in. Added the right stuff, but don’t know if I got enough fluid in yet, in any case I’m going to have to drain it all out as soon as possible, and better would be to flush it, drop the pan and check and if necessary replace the transmission filter.

I then add the remaining motor oil to the engine where it was supposed to go, but I expect I will need to add more. When I topped up for gas I checked my mileage since the last fill. I’m getting less than 13 mpg, which is pretty bad for the car. Normally I see between 16 and 19. I’m pretty sure that the combination of the low tranny fluid and low oil have not helped my mileage any at all.

So I then go in. do a quick check, yes I’m going to have to drain the tranny, all kinds of wonderful stuff I really didn’t want to have to do. So I decide I might as well get off that track, do some other writing, and invite a bit of other disaster. And head off to bed. I get to sleep at about 7:30. And promptly open my eyes at 9.

That’s followed up by not being content with putting my foot in my mouth, but firmly planting both feet down my throat in a comment. that I only realize later I did, apologized for, but I still feel pretty bad about my phrasing.

Some good? Well, I hope so. Forwarded a different picture of a friend to them cropped to be specifically them, and all set to go to be used for a profile, or something else. It’s not perfect as the camera was not in focus at the time. Also encountered the online presence of someone I’ve heard of, and whom I have a lot of mutual friends with that I have a lot of respect for, but I don’t know if I’ve ever done so much as nodded in hello to in passing some place. Of course the way my day has been going, I’ve probably insulted her in some completely unforgivable way, and I’ll be regretting it for years to come. I kind of hope not though. Kind of thinking it would be a good balance for the day if things went well. We’ll see.

So, after cleaning up something that’s been annoying me for months, I apparently finally fall asleep. I don’t know what time it was. I do know that I responded to the alarm at 4:00 pm, but wasn’t up. I did wake up at 5:45. Now recall that my schedule is to be at work at 6:00 pm. I normally get to my desk at 5:45 give or take 5 min, and take off for work about 5:00 pm. So the day just got worse. Called my boss, explained that I had just woken up but was on my way, and ended up at my desk at 6:30.

Really kind of wishing I don’t end up dragging my collection of bad fortune into Sunday. If things some of the results of actions Saturday, or this week turn out good, I really would be happy about that. If it doesn’t work out well, I’ll be disappointed, but that happens.

Live, It’s not really all that bad.

This is a quick view into playing with words. Do you know words very well? Can you read a sentence where all of the words have had their letters re-organized into alphabetical order?

How abotu hist ceeennst?

Now as I look at the last word there, perhaps you notice that there are some letters that repeat? There are 3 ‘e’s, and 2 ‘n’s. If you have looked at any chemestry, you have very likely noticed that when an attom occurs multiple times in a molecule, that atom appears with a number after after it. The molecule of water could be written hOh, or Ohh, but is almost always written h2o. So ceeennst could be ce3n2st, or if you want to start with the largest value, it could be e3n2cst.

Speaking of molecules, perhaps you are familiar with the fact that long chains of specific atomic collections are either ‘long chain molecules’ or in some cases protines, which not only are comprised of a limited number of types of atoms, but also has the characteristic that the molecule folds at certain points in the string.

With writing and communicating we also string multiple words together to make sentences. If we consider a sentence to be either a ‘long chain molecule, or a folded protine, we can do a few more interesting things with words as well. Let’s say that the more characters that a word contains that are used only once, are ’stiffer’ than words that contain multiples of a letter. So a word like ‘like’ while shorter than ‘Constantinople’, is also not quite as flexible. Where you could make this interesting is to use the concept to build up interesting presentations of sentences. A variation on this is to use punctuation and conjunctions to include loops or changes in direction.

So a sentence like this, with an example in the middle, has a loop that can either be there, or not.

You could pull apart a run on sentence, or paragraph and draw the sentence or paragraph as a collection of loops to show the writer where they could tie things up tighter.

I like to build collections of words where each word has some relevant to the word that follows. If you consider each word to be a point, the word comes between two (or more) other words, you can come up with some way of represent that relationship. Perhaps as a tangent to the line as it bends into new shapes.

Can such a relationship show that a paragraph may consist of a flower of leaf pedals that are loops of words that can stand as a single loop of their own, connect with other loops?

So go out, play with words. You might find something interesting.

Recently some of my conservative friends have re-posted a meme suggesting that the practice of promoting CFL bulbs is at best questionable, and at worst a really bad idea.

As I start this posting, I have a suspicion as to where this will end up, but it’s more of a gut feeling, and I’m willing to wait till I’ve looked at the data a bit before stating that my suspicions are validated. That said, my suspicion is that the amount of pollutants emitted by the power industry over the life of an incandescent bulb, and the replacements needed for it over the life of a CFL, are greater than the damage that the worst handling of disposing of a CFL can generate, much less the appropriate handling.

A major difference between CFL and standard florescent lighting is that the CFL bulb includes the ballast needed to bring the voltage up from 110 volts to the voltage that the mercury vapor needs to emitting light or fluoresce, and it also includes the circuitry needed to ’start’ the fluorescence, which is an even higher voltage. These two elements are part of the fixture of a standard florescent light, and the fact that a cfl is significantly smaller than the ballast of most traditional fixtures indicates that they are doing something different as a ballast solution. For the moment I’m going to presume that they are using a switching power supply circuit to bring the frequency from 60 hz to something significantly higher that through much smaller circuit components they can convert into high voltage, low current power, with a current flow sensor that triggers an additional stage to get the starting voltage where the bulb will start to fluoresce. In traditional fixtures these components are very long lived. The starter circuit is more likely to fail than the ballast, so it is often visible as a small can that is socketed into the fixture. Older ballasts were simply voltage transformers that took 110 in and pumped out the voltage the tube would need to operate once it was started. The only way that this would be expected to fail is if the environment was hot enough to start melting the insulator within the ballast. This was a relatively rare phenomena, so it was often built into the system in such a way that you never see it once the fixture is installed. That said, the circuitry involved in a CFL is more likely to be affected by heat and I suspect is the major cause of CFL bulb failure.

I bring that up because the CFL has significantly more circuitry that needs to be considered when dealing with the disposal than a standard light bulb. However the raw volume of metal, lead, various glasses involved and so on are significantly lower for CFLs than for Incandescent bulbs. CFLs are rated as having a life expectancy of 6-15,000 hours, compared to an incandescent bulb’s rating of 750-1000 for a similar light output level. If we treat the rating as questionable for CFL’s, especially where the circuitry for the bulb is concerned, then let’s either go with the lower end of the spectrum at 6,000 hours, or even go to half that of 3,000 hours. That compares to 3 or 4 physical light bulbs of added copper, glass forming, bulb construction, etc. The raw materials there are about the same mass. Where the CFL ends up loosing is in the added plastic. I don’t consider that to be much of a loss.

But what about the mercury? OK, let’s examine the mercury issue. A CFL has between 1 and 5 mg of mercury in it. Considering the number of bulbs already in use, and the fact that the current requirement for new bulbs is to be on the low end of that spectrum, let’s treat it as an average of 3 mg per bulb. Our society has a long habit of simply throwing away bulbs that have failed, rather than recycling them. That means that at the end of the light lifetime for the bulb, the bulb will either end up in a landfill, or an incinerator some place. Using that 3,000 hours estimate, and a 25% duty cycle (on about than 6 hours a day on average) that turns into an expected lifetime of about a year and a half, or on average 2 mg of mercury emitted into the environment per bulb. I would treat this as the worst case average, but it’s something to work with.

So how does this compare with the pollution that we see over a similar period of time for an incandescent bulb. Over the 3,000 hours, CFL’s draw about 20-35% of the current that an equivalent incandescent bulb will. If you are replacing a 75 watt bulb, the CFL will use about 18-25 watts. So over 3000 hours, the incandescent bulbs will draw 50-55 watts per hour, or 150,000 to 165,000 watt hours of electricity over the CFL bulbs. Going with the more conservative figure of 150 kwh, how much pollution does this equate to? Well, at the moment, the publicly accepted figure is that 150 kwh of power comes to about 165 lb of coal that will be burned. Unfortunately it’s tough to get hard figures of how much mercury is in a pound of coal, but based on a few figures here we go.

In 1999, coal power was estimated to release 49 tons of mercury into the environment. (http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&ct=res&cd=1&ved=0CAwQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.nescaum.org%2Fdocuments%2Frpt031104mercury.pdf%2F&ei=J7V8S–oCMq0tgffzvyaBQ&usg=AFQjCNHt6Fi8L4-vytQVJ4v3ruRiYmgdUA&sig2=Bbq8ugyF9YGTqxJBvlbaOQ) That same year consumption of coal was 1,082 million short tons of coal. (http://www.eia.doe.gov/emeu/aer/pdf/pages/sec7.pdf) Currently in the US, 90% of coal consumed is used for the production of electricity, and is the source of about 48% of the electricity consumed. (http://www.eia.doe.gov/cneaf/electricity/epm/table1_1.html) I’m going to do a bit of rounding, mostly because I’m pretty sure you don’t want to see the full raw numbers punched out here. 1000 million tons of coal contributes about 50 tons of mercury. that’s 50/1000000000, or 5/100000000, or 1/20000000, call it one pound per 20 million pounds of coal. With a bit of rounding, that’s .5 grams per 10,000 kilograms of coal. or 500 milligrams per 10,000 kilograms. 5 milligrams per 100 kilograms, or 200 lb. At 150 lb that comes to about 3.5 milligrams. Since only about half the production of power is from coal, and the remaining sources are significantly lower in the release of mercury, we’re looking at about 1.8 miligrams of mercury released per 3000 hours of incandescent bulb equivalent to a CFL. Or about 1.2 milligrams per year.

So in this worst case calculation, an incandescent bulb does have a lower cost per year in comparison to CFLs specific to mercury released into the environment. That said, switching to the declared hourly lifespan of 6,000 hours, the CFL drops to 1 milligram per year, and at 12,000 hours, .5 milligrams per year. (Even less at maximum 15,000 hours, but I don’t know how accurate the upper range for cfl lifespan is at this point.)

Ah, you say, you didn’t include the actual usage of electricity in your comparison for the CFL! Actually, I did. What I compared was the added impact of the mercury in the bulb over the bulbs power usage, to the additional power requirements for the Incandescent over the CFL and it’s lifetime. I’m not saying that CFL’s don’t consume power. Obviously they do. And in doing so, the power being generated is going to release some levels of Mercury.

In summary, the meme of poisoning our environment with CFL bulbs is something I consider suspect. Now I consider it obvious that if someone starts going around and breaking CFLs that they will increase the amount of mercury in the environment, but by the same token if people stop throwing the bulbs in the trash, and recycle them, that mercury will be reclaimed and will not end up in the environment either.

Most of my previous writing on my dogs was related to Mindy. And as with this introduction, she will make appearances now and then, but there is a reason that the main category includes the word “Two.” And that reason is that it includes Nicholas. Nicholas, or rather Nick, is an American Eskimo dog. He was born, as I understand it, in October of 1995. I’m pretty sure that the paperwork sitting out in my garage, and at my vets office has his actual birthday listed somewhere, but I’ve never been too concerned about it.

To understand Nicholas, you have to start by understanding the breed. The American Eskimo dog, or Eski is recognized in the US by the United Kennel Club, and the American Kennel Club. However in Europe it is not recognized as a distinct breed from the collective breed known as the German Spitz. Many people consider the Skipperkey to be a sibling breed. The Distinctive characteristics of the Eski and Skipperkeys are their coat coloring. The Eski is a White or White with Biscuit coloring, and the Skippers are black in color. There are other characteristics that can be considered for each, but these really are the determining characteristics differentiating them from the German Spitz.

I have not done a lot of study on Skippers, but the Eski has a fairly storried history of it’s own. The breed was developed around World War II when it was a bad omen for a dog to have the word German in it’s breed name. This also affected German Shepherds to some degree, but they already had a loyal following among the public. The German Spitz was not as well known. It is a small dog in three sizes. Nicholas is in the standard size, standing about a foot at the shoulder, and weighing about 20-22 lb. All Spitz dogs have common characteristics, from the Samoyed down to the Pomeranian. They have a fox face, ears that stand erect and pointed, a broad chest, a double coat and they carry their tail over their back in a curl. They also have what appears to be a mane around their face and head.

A common characteristic of the breed is that they tend to bond to one person and tolerate others, at best. They are very protective of what they consider their territory and will loudly alert at almost any potential risk. As a general rule if an Eski doesn’t know you, it is unlikely to approach you, though as with most rules exceptions do happen. Unless you have gone to a lot of effort to socialize them early, they do not respond well to places and situations where there are many people. That said, if they have bonded to you, and are paying attention to you in places that are unfamiliar to them, they do tend to behave well.

Eski’s tend to respond well in environments with other dogs, and have been known to get along well with cats. The double coat does not require a lot of work to look well, though daily brushing can be a good opportunity to bond with your dog, become familiar with the arrangement of his musculature, and be aware of the condition of his toenails. Unless he is active outside you should practice monthly toenail trimming.

There are a couple of other unusual characteristics of the breed. Males of the breed will roam if they are given the opportunity. While that is not unusual in males that have not been Fixed for most breeds, Eskis commonly do so even if they have been fixed. They are not common guests at the local dog pound however. Their warinesses, speed and dexterity have apparently been many a dog catcher’s bane of existence. And that Bonding with one person characteristic means that even when they rome, they know to return home.

The other very unusual characteristic is their eagerness to please. Now I know what you are thinking, lots of dogs are eager to please. It makes it reasonably easy to train dogs. And while that is true, it is the unusual level of eagerness to please that has brought the American Eskimo dog to some noteriety with the AKC and UKC annals. With most breeds, if you go for the ‘registered purebred with a history of championships in it’s ancestry’ you will find long contrived names standing out. Nothing wrong with that. The Eski on the other hand has an interesting bit of history related to their eagerness to please. The really Stand-out names in the breeding registry are names like Taxi. Their eagerness to please, and the resulting level of training they could go through brought them to the attention of the Barnum and Bailey Circus. They and other circus troupes, recognized that an alert, distinctive and highly trainable dog would be very impressive to a wide variety of people. Especially when the tricks that the dogs were performing were outside of the expectations of the day to day family dog. Their size and weight distribution works well for them to walk on their hind legs for extended tricks, and so on. The Circus was their route to recognition and an interest in bringing these very alert and capable dogs into peoples homes.

One mistake that many first time Eski owners make regarding grooming is at shedding season, at least in the spring, they take the hair trimmers and cut all the fur down to a very short coat. This can, and does lead to problems with the coat later on. As noted earlier the breed has a double coat. The outer coat is somewhat coarser in texture, and serves three principle purposes. First the hairs are attached to very sensitive nerves. If you can get past the dog’s hearing, when approaching from behind, the slightest touch to his coat, at a level you won’t be able to sense, will alert them to your touch. The sensitivity is such that even the change in breeze patterns around you as you approach can be recognized. Second the coat serves to protect the inner coat against rain and snow. The Eski does not secrete a heavy volume of oil into his coat as the lab does, so this is his means of letting watter flow off of his back. Finally the outer coat provides a protection against UV for the inner coat. Cutting the coat back means that the inner coat and skin are far more likely to be exposed to UV, and sustain damage that can pose problems later on.

There are some oddities about Nick that came about, and ultimately made him a good match for me and my household. First up while not really ‘odd’, is somewhat unfortunate. I don’t think that he was properly socialized with people and children as a puppy. I honestly think that this is something that came back to haunt the family who first acquired him. I don’t know his specific history, but my suspicion is that he was adopted into a house consisting of a husband and wife, or possibly a single person. At some point, when he was about 2 years old, the household situation changed. Either the couple had a child, or someone else moved in, and Nick was unable to cope with the change. Subsequently he was put up for adoption, and fostered by one of the placement families in the area.

Fostering was generally good for him, but the first few adoption placements did not work out well. Later on I saw that he did not respond well to changes in his environment that were fairly significant. It would take him a good week before he would allow that the back yard Grill that I had moved from the storage shed to the patio was actually OK. And he would notice it was missing in the fall when it went back to the shed. Along with his territorial instincts, I think this worked against him in being placed. He takes a substantial amount of time to become comfortable with his environment as it changes, and he is not quiet about the changes. Unfortunately this tends to get on people’s nerves in many cases. He had been returned three times by the time I came around investigating, and the foster mom was not sure that he was placeable.

She had him closed in the bedroom when I arrived, and after I was seated, let him out to explore and investigate me on his own terms. Once he had been outside to deal with his excitement, and was sitting over next to a different chair, I moved down to and sat cross legged on the floor. Within 5 to 15 min he was curled up in my lap, which was not a reaction that the foster mother had ever seen. So I paid the fees, picked up the paperwork, and took him home.

How territorial is he? While my car has been broken into or entered a few times, not one of the vehicles I have had has been approached or entered while he was in the car. After my garage had been entered and some otherwise worthless computer hardware had been stolen, I was open to the local gas company providing an alarm system for my home. The salesman pointed out that in almost every case where a family has been relying upon a dog to protect the property, the bad guys come up to the door, break in, let the dog out, go find and steal what they are interested in, and let the dog back in as they leave. I nodded aware that this was not uncommon, and indicated that one of the things I was interested in protecting was my garage. Nick was on the back deck. When he saw a stranger opening the inside back door he turned on guard dog mode and the salesman stopped immediately. I said I would take care of that, went out the front, came around and collected Nick who was still locked on in focus on the salesman, carried him into the front door while the salesman stepped out onto the deck, and when I joined him he declared that he wasn’t really sure I needed an alarm system to protect against break-ins. I said well, that’s partially true, and explained about the garage having been broken into. we continued on, and ultimately I bought the system, the garage didn’t get any sensors, but the house did get front and back door sensors and a smoke detector. There was a CO detector available, but he pointed out that the one I had already was better than the sensor they had available.

I became more aware of the roaming issue after I had acquired Mindy as well. Having two dogs on a trolley line in the back yard wasn’t working, and since I had wood fencing around most of the yard I figured I could add a couple of sections of fencing to fill in the gaps and I could let them both have free run of the back yard. All was well until I went out and realized that he wasn’t in the back yard any more. Turns out he had slipped between a couple of the woven boards where they met a fence post. Back onto the trolleys for another couple of days while I went and picked up three rolls of chicken wire, and lined the inside of that fence. Once that was done, I didn’t have a lot of problems.

Before I adopted Mindy I had taken to setting out food for Nick as I headed off for work in the morning. After a little bit of that I realized it was a waste of time. While I was at work, or otherwise out of the house, he wouldn’t eat. I think he knew that if he ate, then within some period of time he would have to go potty. If I wasn’t home he was going to have to go inside, and he wasn’t going to be happy about the results. The house was now his den and he wasn’t going to put up with the mess.

That changed once Mindy entered the house. I had to spend a long time training her, but ultimately she knew what the procedures were, and honored them. Basically no one got to start eating until they had said thank you to me by shaking my hand. Once I said go ahead, both could eat out of their own dishes. Invariably Mindy would scarf down everything in her dish, and Nick would grab a mouth-full, walk to the carpeting, eat, walk back to the dish, pick up another mouth-full, and so on. Pretty soon Mindy would be done, and she would go over to Nick’s dish. If Nick was there she would sit down.About this time Nick would realize that his dish was fair game and start eating at his dish. As soon as he walked away from his dish, for any reason, she asserted that he was done, and even if his intent was just to take another mouth-full and come back, when he got back it was an empty dish.

In general, Nick never slept with me. There were two exceptions. They both involved the apartment complex that i live in testing the fire alarm system. The noise was loud enough that He would jump up onto bed with me, and curl up with his back up against me. Most of the time he would curl up in a chair in the living room or another room. If he couldn’t get into another room, he might curl up on the floor under the bed. Occasionally he would find his travel crate sufficient.

That’s going to do it for now. Oh, there’s more to tell, How he knew exactly where to get to in a pickup bed for travel, and such, but I’m dropping off, and it would be a good idea for me to actually get some sleep I think. Have a great day.

Since this is my personal blog, these links are not related to my work information. None of this is to be considered an interest in doing business with you over one of these connections.

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Are there more places where I can be found? From time to time I’m on freenet IRC, I have icq, aim, slashdot, digg, and many other accounts. A lot of them end up showing up as rusty0101, although a few have used variations. If you can use the information on one of the above links to find me, and you need assistance at one of those locations, let me know. I don’t make any promises, but I can try to help.

Where am I physically? Probably someplace close to my car. you can get a pretty good idea where that is at http://map.findu.com/kc0vcu-15

I’m not immune from the possibility of job related issues from my public face. Neither are you.

First of all as I write this, I happen to work for Wells Fargo. And while what I do and say may reflect upon Wells Fargo, I have many personal views that are at odds with what some people, perhaps even a majority of people, at Wells Fargo may hold.

From an employee at Wells Fargo’s perspective, I am very happy that the company celebrates diversity the way it does. As it grows as a company, that diversity has given Wells Fargo the flexibility to enter new markets as a result. From an investor’s view, that is one of the reasons that Wells Fargo currently is the second largest financial institution by market cap, as well as the second largest by total deposits. Interestingly enough in those two comparisons 1 and 3 swapped.

From a personal perspective, I am not recommending that you maintain any financial association with Wells Fargo, unless you personally agree with the way the bank is run, and does business. For that matter I think you should take a look at a complete cross section of your opportunities and only bank with those institutions that you happen to agree with. If that means a local credit union, go for it. If that means Bank of America, I’m OK with that too. You should be responsible for where you put your money.

I’m also not going to tell you how to invest. I honestly don’t know what your investment goals are, and couldn’t tell you what the best strategy is to achieve those goals. Honestly even if I had some idea, I don’t know who I would recommend for you. There was a commercial for an investment firm on TV a couple of years back, where a customer was talking with a portfolio manager, and it was clear that the portfolio manager wasn’t sure that the customer knew what risk meant. So he point blank asked “Would you be OK if your investment portfolio lost half of it’s value?” For someone just starting out, that might be OK. On the other hand if you are a year or two from retirement, that might not work out so well. Or you may be more than happy to put a quarter of your portfolio in such a fund, understanding that one possible outcome would be to lose it all, and another could be to quadruple it’s value.

About the only bit of advice I can offer is that which I’m pretty sure most people are aware of. It’s the same bit of advice people get told about everything they value. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Spread out the risk across multiple investment opportunities. Sure Microsoft would have been a great place to buy stock the day after it went public. Most of us wouldn’t have been able to buy any of the stock the day it went public anyway. But today you might look at the core offerings of what Microsoft is selling, and consider the stock to be a fairly low risk place to put money, and also a place where you shouldn’t expect your money to grow wildly.

You’ll note that I’m not telling you to invest in Wells Fargo. If you do, you will be amoung many people who’s names you will recognize, but there are also names you’ll recognize that are not on that list. So I certainly wouldn’t recommend specifically investing in Wells Fargo. Do I have money invested in Wells Fargo? Yes. Whether it is a preferred place for my money to be is a different matter. For the moment I plan on keeping between 5 and 10% of my retirement funds in Wells Fargo stock. But you don’t have to. And I would honestly say that putting more than 10% of your retirement fund into any specific stock is probably not a good idea. For a short term holding when you believe the stock will grow significantly, you might put that much, or more in it, but not for the long term.

First bit of advice, find a real financial advisor to work with. That’s not me.

And that’s part of the problem with working for a company, and having a public image on the Internet. There are people who know and trust my recommendations. I don’t know how many there are, but the reason they trust my writing is that I’m not writing as a public face of Wells Fargo, or for the companies I worked for before Wells Fargo. I’m not telling people to jo sign up for jobs at Wells Fargo. If you’re interested, you’re best option is to see what’s posted. If you don’t know, the starting point is the wellsfargo.com home page, and their is a ‘jobs’ link there. If you’re not, that’s OK too.

And so it goes.

But the real point I want to make is that I write about a fairly large variety of topics, some of which are going to be very uncomfortable for potential employers. I’m not going to appologize to them for that. It’s my personal life, and asside from the fact that my personal life involves the same person as my professional life, they generally don’t have a significant overlap. I’m not writing about the latest in networking technology that I’m playing with at work, or learning for work. Office politics have no place in my personal life, and my personal life is not something I generally involve people at work with. If something happens where there becomes an overlap, perhaps I meet someone at work and we hit it off and things go great and we both have a personal life together that situation will have to be addressed by both of us.

So why all the rhetoric? It turns out that there are a lot of companies that are looking at the personal presentation people have on the Internet, and making hiring decisions based on that. Some companies are looking for things like number of friends on social websites as a sign of the prospective employee’s ability to work with others. Likewise a quick look at the pictures they post or have posted of themselves is an indication of how aware of what they are presenting they are, and whether that presentation is something they want to hire. Lots of pictures of the prospect drunk and half naked? While most of us have been there, it’s not something we felt it necessary to put someplace where just anyone could see them. Granted it wasn’t quite as easy to put those pictures out there for many of us.

Something else that comes up is the ‘what is your opinion on…?’ questions. Most of us have learned over time that our opinions change. The solid agnostic finds God in one or more of it’s myriad forms. The staunch conservative realizes that sometimes people need a bit of help and becomes a social liberal, perhaps while staying a conservative businessman. The card carrying democrat becomes disillusioned with the party and realizes that she now has a different view on politics. The social maven ends up isolated for weeks or months in some accident, and comes out of the situation unable to trust others without knowing why.

I’ve had an on line presence of one sort or another since 1988. I’d like to think that most of it reflects a person who is curious about technology and people, psychology and physiology. I’m sure that it shows a person who’s seen some rough days, and some better ones. I’m absolutely certain that some of what is out there is stuff that I no longer agree with. Either because I’ve learned better, or because it was true then, but is not now.

I’ve also written some stuff that has probably cost me either real friends, or potential friends, who have looked at my views and decided that they couldn’t accept those views in a friend. And honestly, losing friends that way doesn’t make me upset. This world contains a very wide variety of people and some are just not right for each other.

That also applies to potential employers. I don’t expect that I would be a good fit for a large number of employers. And that number will probably grow if they take into consideration my personality as presented on the Internet. And honestly I’m OK with that. That doesn’t mean that I don’t think it’s going to be a problem for me to deal with if that eventuality happens. I’ll probably be a bit upset about it then. But as I stated, my views are subject to change.

…when you settle into my lap, draw my arms around you, rest your head on my shoulder and fall asleep knowing we are, but that day is not yet.
…when we walk hand in hand feeling the sun on our backs, hearing the laughter of the world rejoicing. But that day is not yet.
…when I hear the moans of your passion, feel your body and min, acting as one. But that day is not here.
…when we can sit and discus, examine some dreams if not others, and just share in your company. Is that day now?
…when you realize that you mean, more than I can express, through words, thought or deed. Will that day arrive?