Rusty's Blog

I think that comment ranks right up there with ‘He must have a big dick’ or ‘He must have a really deep bank account.’

First of all a word of explanation. The title comment was voiced to me by a friend, some time back, who was going through a divorce, and had recently found out that her now, or soon to be, ex was already living with his next partner.

If you think this is ‘your’ statement, or you know who made the statement, I personally would appreciate it if you did not speak up and announce that. To tell the truth, it’s actually a statement that needs to be corrected along the way, and if you remember saying that, or something like that while you were angry about losing someone, I’m hoping you get more out of the rest of this than angry with me for repeating the statement.

On average, guys tend to present themselves as pretty shallow. I include myself in that statement. We have our ‘tastes’ in what we like about potential partners, and in general are not too ashamed to say so. My personal preference is for healthy tits on a thin (fit) body. Beyond that some guys prefer specific leg shapes, hip sizes, waists, muscle tone, hair, eyes, etc. All generally physical characteristics.

While I do have those preferences, I have to admit that in the long term, those prefernces are pretty limited compared to the rest of what I am looking for in a long term partner. The big problem is that most of what I am looking for in a woman is a lot harder for a guy to specify than physical characteristics are. For example, I’m interested in someone who has a healthy (in my eyes) sex drive, but who’s also interested in enough of the same things I am interested in (science fiction, dogs, photography, science, technology) that we can talk about most of those things, and that she has enough other interests that I can learn from as well as being currious about things that I am interested in that I can teach her as well. Trying to ‘define’ that is not something that I would expect guys to be good at, so even I accept that what we can explain we are interested in about various women, is pretty shallow.

And we’re even more shallow in putting down people. If a guy we don’t know very well is on the arm of one or more women that our shallow interest is paying attention to, our ‘put down’ of the woman is that either he’s got to have a big dick that she’s interested in, or that she’s a gold digger and is after what must be a deep pocketbook.

The reality is that every person out there is a very complex collection of characteristics, both physically, and mentally.  Most guys, even most of the shallow ones, realize that women are looking for more than great sex or money from the guys they are with. At some level women are looking for a guy who can keep their interest in a number of areas, and provide some level of excitement to stay focused on, and share. A big dick isn’t going to do that for most women. Neither is being ‘rich.’ As part of a whole package of other things, they may be great accessories, but it’s a fairly rare woman who’s primary focus on a guy is something that shallow. And she may be a ’10′ beauty wise, but if that’s the main focus of what a woman is looking for, I certainly am not interested in her.

And that’s the crux of the matter. The reality of a guy saying that a woman is interested in some guy for some shallow interest is almost always him telling himself that she so shallow that no matter how beautiful she is, he should take no interest in her. I.e. he’s justifying not paying attention to her, or women he thinks are like her.

Likewise suggesting that the new love interest of a guy is a some woman with bigger tits, is almost always a technique to tell yourself that the guy you spent the last several months, years or decades in love with, isn’t worth the attention that you had been paying to him.

And if you go back and think about it, you may realize that you were labeling him as being ‘shallow’ even though your love for him in the past was anything but shallow.

One of the reasons I’ve wated a while before writing this is that the process of giving yourself reasons to think ‘less’ of a former partner is an important part of moving on.

For most of the past year, one of my neighbors has been refering to her ex as ‘The Asshole.’ I don’t know him, and will reserve judgement, but my suspicion is that there’s something else going on in the situation. Part of the problem is that part of what they were doing as a married couple is something they are still doing with each other since their separation or divorce. They are still involved in a business relationship, so they have to interact with each other as part of that business, which is leaving her feeling pretty raw and not letting her emotions heel properly. It’s only been in the past month that I have heard her start to referr to him as ‘the Ex.’ Which I think is a positive sign.

The real problem with referring to an ex in a demeaning way is that you are telling the people about you that you are stuck in a fairly childish point in your recovery from that relationship. A guy that may be interested in a woman who discovers she is acting that way could either encourage the response, and hope that she is going to ‘rebound’ into his arms (unlikely but I suppose it’s possible, I just think it’s not a good way to build a lasting relationship) or he can set asside his interest, maintain a friendly relationship with her, and wait for her to grow out of the event. Of course that tends to leave live rolling on around you, and you should be staying involved with other people.

Yes the shallow part of me thinks that the specific woman is pretty hot looking. Additionally I happen to like a lot of the interests she has. But I think it’s not going to go beyond the friendship.

In any case, when it comes to how we talk about other people in our lives, we tell other people something about ourselves as well. If we try to say that we are not interested in this person, or that person for a reason that on the face of it is pretty shallow, we’re disclosing how shallow we are as well. That’s not all bad. At times I think we need to be shallow. It gives us markers we can use as starting points for directing our other interests as well. The odds of my finding a thin woman with big tits who fits all the rest of my interests are a lot more ‘reasonable’ than if I were to be concerned about race, height, hair color, family wealth, and so on, and still have her be interested in the things that are harder for me to define. For some friends, the only concern they have about a prospective partner is that they have a compatible faith. But it’s absolutely critical that that match for them. My shallow interests are really more of an ‘interest’ builder than a ‘must have.’ I’m far more likely to be interested in a woman that fits those two aspects than someone who fits neither. Yet at the same time, I can decide that this aspect is not as important to me as how well we get along talking. And so on.

OK, this is getting somewhat long winded. If the message seems to be aimed at you, remember that I find a lot of myself in a similar situation, and this is at least in part designed to help me as well.

It’s Friday. Have a great weekend.